18 years of learning

My son turns 18 today. That's monumental. I admit, I am having a hard time with it. He thinks it's because my 'baby' is going to be, at least legally, an adult. In reality, I wonder if we, my husband and I, have really shown him what we need to show him to survive in life. More than fishing and hunting, I hope he learned from his dad the necessity of providing for family, for working for what you want, and enjoying a day in nature ore than a day inside. More than just listening to us reading out loud when he was little, I hope he heard the love in our voices and realizes now, also, how important it really is to have a person who read to him when he was younger. More than throwing a ball, and batting a ball, I hope we have taught him the importance of being with his children, when he has them, and that love doesn't come wrapped under a tree in December, but comes wrapped in sweats with a bad right arm and an even worse catching ability. I know I shouldn't worry - he is pretty deep when he has a conversation with someone - such as the other night when he said he will never understand why the government and people in general continue to send monies to other countries for their poor and homeless and starving children, when we have the same right here. So when he talks, I know he saw, he listened, he observed and made choices. In the long run, I must say, he's made many right choices and only a few bad ones. He has put us through a lot, don't get me wrong, but there was more good - much more good - than bad. But you know, I'm going to miss that boy - that boy who insisted was Tommy the White Power Ranger...or Batman...or Robin....that boy who memorized Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory so he didn't "have to watch it anymore." That boy who just so totally stole my heart and who has now become this young man who has dreams and desires that he may pursue elsewhere - someplace that I will only be welcome to visit, but not stay. No, they really don't stay young forever. They really don't - so if you know a little boy who has truly captured that part of your heart you didn't even know existed - take a lot of pictures and truly hold on to every day as if it's the last he will be that age and realize it is. Make a lot of memories and within those memories, teach a lot of lessons. He really will be watching and listening and observing. Even if he is dressed like a superhero.

Thinner Winners - Working on the Chain Gang

"A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes” Wade Boggs We are into week three of a Thinner Winner contest sponsored by Bay Athletic Club. A few co-workers, a niece of a co-worker and I make up Chain Reaction. The contest runs 6 weeks and there are two categories you can win in - most percentage of weight lost per team and most percentage of inches lost per team. Each prize is $1,000. I was surprised when they asked me to join their team but accepted the challenge. Though, I will admit, I was a little hesitant. I've had many starts ... and endings ... to exercise. But, you know, it isn't has bad as I remember it! Really!! I think this is what I've needed. For so long, I have really just walked the thin ice that is dieting. Punishing myself for eating more than I should. Disappointed in my pickings when I did eat what I should. It got to the point where I felt like I was going through the motions! Enter a solid work out in a great facility. And add to that the motivation of other team members/co-workers supporting not only me, but each other. Last night I worked out with another team member and we discussed life after contest. "Will you continue with this?" she asked me - her already a member of Bay. "Yes," I said, without hesitation. "I cannot believe how much better I feel and how much energy I have the morning after a work out." It's true! And mentally, I feel sharper and more in tune to what's going on and more motivated to do things and finish things. To even do Zumba - maybe - this week. I pick up my team shirt today - and that quote at the top of this blog - the one by Wade Boggs - is on the back. It's our team motto - and we really do live up to that. We do create a chain reaction.

My husband bought a bracelet for me over the weekend that caught my eye. The engraving on it says “Embrace the Journey.”
That’s one thing I haven’t been doing, you know. I haven’t really been embracing the life I live daily in the quest for the life I crave. I have been envisioning my current days as being held captive instead of what they really are.
One step. One step to the better on that journey we all take through life. And I know I am not the only one.
Because also this weekend I watched on TV New York City Fireman Matt Long describe going from a fire fighter one day to getting crushed by a bus while riding his bike to work in 2005. He told those watching what his journey had been like. He was not really supposed to survive and if he did, he wouldn’t walk again. He didn’t allow himself to be held captive. So much so that he was able to run in the NY City Marathon I believe it was in 2008. Really. He embraced the journey. He may not have liked it and it may have been painful, but he embraced the journey – he made of it what he needed to be where he is today. Go ahead, search his name and the name of his book, “The Long Run”. You will be amazed at his determination. Really makes anyone else’s journey, including mine, look like a game of Tidddely-Winks.
Also this weekend, my niece, someone else undergoing a journey similar to mine, noted that she had lost 18 sizes. She was buying new clothes for school (she’s a teacher) and was amazed at the amount she’d lost over 2 years. She embraces her journey. She thinks of new ways to make old food better. She lives her days as she did before this journey and doesn’t make it about the trip.
And to think, all this time I believed I wasn’t trying hard enough, in reality, I was trying too hard. Sometimes it really isn’t about not trying hard enough.
So tonight, I will go home, cultivate what is ready in the garden, (rumor has it tomatoes, green beans and cucumbers – the zucchini goes without saying), do my evening things and maybe just sit and read and not worry so much about last month, last week or yesterday.
And certainly not about tomorrow.

Fear and Loathing

Even though I am losing (albeit slowly) weight I am still having a devil of a time being comfortable in my own skin.
I hate the way I look when I see my reflection in a mirror and I envy women who seem to be good with their size.
And I wonder, how do I get there from here?
How do I look like I have confidence when I have oh so little?
How do I look like I'm beautiful when I think that I'm not?
How do I look like my size doesn't bother me when it truly does?
And I'm sure if you ask a large beautiful woman why her weight doesn't bother her, she would probably reply with a question and say "Who says it doesn't?" But again, how do I get there from here?
I cannot blame my husband, I guess, for no longer seeing me as an attractive partner, someone he would like to take out and show off. I guess I can't blame any husband, or wife, who apparently didn't know for better or worse included weight gain. And you know, I just tiptoed around that word - the "O" word... obese. Hate it. I don't see myself or anyone my size as obese.
I have been struggling with the packaging for a lifetime but recently it seems to be the albatross around my neck.
Oh, I have learned a lot about myself along the way. And I've corrected a few things - and continue to learn and grow daily. Though I still have a hard time putting Ann first.
But my new quest is getting there - feeling good about the whole me - from here.
I don't think it's about chosing to wear make up or jewelry or buying nicer clothes. I know it has to come from within.
But I wonder: How much excavation of stuff I don't want to have to deal with do I have to go through to finally find that part of me that is ok with me?
A little bit of a downer blog today, but this is where I'm at. I don't know - maybe it's a good thing.
Anyone have any answers?

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Saying goodbye to Sarah

Sarah came into our lives a little unexpectedly. We were looking for a puppy for our son, who was about 7 at the time, and decided our big yellow lab needed a little black lab for balance.
We were not going to get a dog at the first place we stopped, which was an interesting little house with Rottweilers outside, and inside - the Labs – puppies, mom and dad – in this tiny living room with a tiny makeshift kennel in the corner.
Sara was the runt, getting stepped on, getting pushed out of the way from the milk. My husband looked up at me as if to say ‘We aren’t getting one of these’.
I believe it was my son who picked her up and tried to rescue her from the onslaught of paws. She licked his face. Something she would continue to do for the next 10 years.
I don’t recall seeing an obit for a dog. It’s a shame, really. There are obits for friends and relatives we don’t love near as much who don’t love us half as much as our dogs.
Oh we will miss her.
My son will miss her physical signs of love: those constant, daily morning kisses, her tail wag when she would see him – and let me tell you she was not a gentle tail wagger – she has been known to clear an end table in one sweep. He will miss the space she took up on his bed, in the middle and all over.
My husband will miss her visual signs of love: her pretty girl dance wherein she pranced on her paws in dog ballet for treaties and boney-bones of the Milk bone® variety. He will miss her running to greet him after work and I’m sure as he has slowed over the years in moving from seat to ground, so had she in moving from front door to truck. And of course he will miss the almost nightly rides they took looking for deer and signs of other wildlife while running the back roads. He will do it alone now, and sadder I’m sure. He will return from vacation soon and when he readies for work that first morning, he will miss her prance in front of him squeaky stuffed toy in her mouth ‘squeak squeak squeak’ while he tied his boots.
And I will miss the little things of her - Sarah was not the smartest lab in the world. But she was a charmer. She had a bad habit of eating the bread or getting into the garbage when we left her alone during the day. We learned quickly to close up the trash bags and move the bread far away. If we forgot, we were greeted by a dog whose head was about as low as it would go but who’s tailed wagged like a flag in a windstorm. In other words, she was saying “You aren’t going to be too happy to see me, but I’m really happy to see you!” So, I will miss those mischievous signs of love – and of course the way she came bounding (she wasn’t light on her feet either) into the kitchen at just about 5 because she knew it was dinner time.
We had salad with steak last night. I dropped a piece of cucumber on the floor while tossing. It was there a long 10 seconds before I realized no one was going to tiptoe out and nibble it up.
Ten years is a long time to have a dog – and we have been so fortunate.
While we saved Sarah in the beginning, it was Sarah that saved us in the end. It was certainly she that saved us. Who else but a family dog can truly make you feel so loved on days when you don’t so much?
I will stand in disagreement with any pastor, priest, rabbi or father who would like to tell me dogs have no soul and therefore don’t go to heaven. They are wrong. To them I say, dogs like Sarah are the ones who listened when Jesus said Love One Another. Because, really, who does love us unconditionally here on earth but our dogs? Who else can leave a large hole in your heart when they are gone?
No soul? You could not look into Sarah’s eyes and see no soul. She was full of love. Full of compassion. Full of caring. She was our Sarah Berra. We are going to miss her.

Weir Losing It: The Ties that Bind

My 17 year old son had a big first last night.
He got his first tattoo. This came as no surprise to us, as he had our permission - something, thankfully for a lot of parents, that is required by the state for minors.
He started planning when he was 2 and drew all over himself. He graduated to gum machine tats and then the spray on kind that the nail place at our local mall creates. When he was 15 we told him when he was 16, the legal age at which a minor can get one even with parental consent, he could get one for his birthday.
He is just 4 months shy of 18 and he finally decided. And, if I can figure out how to download it, you'll see a tattoo he created of an anchor with a ribbon through it with the dates of his grandfather's life. He loved his grandfather and was devestated when he died. Since he was 12, he's planned for this tattoo - he just wasn't quite sure if what type of anchor he wanted. Till, one day, last summer, he drew it out himself.
I'm going to take heat from assorted in-laws and out-laws and friends. I may even be asked what type of mother allows this.
Well, I'll tell you - my son, this son, has always marched to the beat of a different drummer. This is a choice made, not off the cuff, but was years in coming.
He asked me prior, what do you think grandpa would say if I got this tattoo (with the anchor). To be honest, I think he would be grateful that his grandson, this grandson, who marches to the beat of a different drummer, thought to honor him in such a permanent public way.
I get kind of weepy, you know, thinking... 4 months ... an adult. But, I think he'll be fine.

Weir Losing It: Holding On

Let me explain.
I am letting go of things that I have worn like a second skin sometimes more often than not. And I've let these things, depending on how the day went, eat at me.
Sometimes it's OK to go back and wonder "What if?" I'm not talking about those place.
I'm talking about the places that weren't so good that some hold on to and refuse to let go.
Sometimes we don't realize we are hanging on to anything till we have a bad day, or something reminds us, and we start to feel a bit unnerved.
Sometimes we refuse to let go because it gives us a reason: reason to eat, reason to drink, reason to drug, reason to do whatever it is we do that we think medicates us. What we think makes us feel better.
So - I refuse to hold on anymore to school mates that made me feel bad about myself. Yea, it wasn't nice. Yea, it could have been handled differently, but yea, we were kids. And I highly doubt that any of them would be the same to me today. Good-bye, so long, see ya.
Also going going gone are regrets over jobs left and jobs not gotten. Because, I have a great job now with a great company. I don't need to look back on those times with anything other than that they were learning experiences.
And you know there are things we hold onto that are concrete that can put us in a tailspin. I thought of that yesterday when I threw out a few older Christmas decorations that were my mom's. I hesitated for half a minute before I pitched them. She doesn't need them (she's deceased), I don't want them as they are cracked or chipped or with pieces missing. And she doesn't exist in it. They are now in the dumpster.
And, unfortunately, I think there will be a person or two I stand back from. You know kind, whether friend or family, they only show up when they want something but don't really give much in return with the exception of a quick thanks and an even quicker goodbye.
I don't have time for that, for those, for them. And neither do you.
Start letting go ... even if it's something as simple as tossing an old Christmas decoration.
I know change cannot be done in a week, a month, even a year sometimes. But change is coming. It's coming.

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Defining It: Inhibitions

When I was younger, and cast my eye on some gold ring, I would start that desire with "When I lose weight."
When I lose weight I'm going to write that book.
When I lose weight I'm going to go to my class reunion.
When I lose weight - all my troubles will be solved, all my dreams will come true, all my hopes will be fulfilled.
When I lose weight. All I've really done is given myself an excuse not to write, travel, solve my own troubles, make my dreams come true and fulfil my dreams.
What exactly am I afraid of? What exactly am I avoiding overeating is a better alternative?
Succeeding. I am afraid to succeed because the opposite of success if failure and I would rather not try at all than fail at something.
This weight loss thing is really hard mentally and I'm serious here. Losing and retooling has been difficult in the sense that I'm having to learn to change and expand my comfort levels.
And I think I've said it before, it's harder losing what I have to lose than it is 5 or ten pounds. The mental toll can be a bit overwhelming. And yes, it would be easy to pull my proverbial covers over my head and just stay where I'm at.
But where is the growth? Where is the satisfaction?
I've only been able to budge 26 pounds off me, but actually have been consistently losing for about 8 or 9 weeks. And with each pound gone, it seems I gain something inside.
I know it sounds insane, but lately I'm more likely than not to stand up for myself, to complete promises made to myself and others, to attempt something I might not have done 26 pounds ago.
I seem to be losing, along with the weight, a certain amount of inhibitions that are allowing me to live differently.
One thing I've always feared about losing weight is that who I am would be redefined and my personality would change.
But you know something? Change really is a good thing!
I encourage you all to step out of your comfort zone in one area and try something new that you have wanted to do, but for one reason or another haven't.
It's different. It's a little exciting even.
I had a baseball player friend in college, who isn't with us anymore, and I was interviewing him for a playoff game. He gave me probably the best comment on his feelings, and it's what I am feeling now, and hopefully what you will feel.
"It's scary...but I like it."

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Gotta go around it!

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." Henry Ford

I wish I could take credit for digging this quote up but I can't. I have a friend who posts inspirational quotes on his facebook page. He got me with this one.

How often has someone not achieved their goal because he or she saw the obstacles?

I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I can be rolling along quite well, thank you, on this overall improvement quest when I will see a stumbling block - could be small like going to a buffet for dinner or large like knowing the enormity of the task that lies ahead - and it suddenly is my undoing.

I know I am not alone.

It's hard to commit to change, to cast off what we've allowed ourselves to become comfortable with - whether it be food or drink or self pity. We really want to change, to be a better person, but we see that roadblock and it delays and even sometimes ends what we really want to do.

We have to learn to be comfortable not in who we are, but in what we can become. We have to learn to leapfrog or go around those obstacles to obtain what we want.

Everyone faces obstacles - real or not - we face them. What we need to do is face them down.

What Am I Really Losing?

In other words, what does the "It" in "Weir Losing It" define for me?
At first I thought it was just weight - you know, "Weir Losing Weight" or "Weir Losing Fat" - however you wish to interpret it - but a few weeks back, I thought "If Dr. Hall read that (Dr. Hall being on of the professors at the college I attended) she would ask what 'it' is."
I guess, for me, that one little two letter word is more than dropping pounds. There is a whole lot going on when someone is losing a substantial amount of weight.
For example, I am starting to lose that part of me that puts everyone first to the neglect of self. That is significant. I do for people. I love to do for people. But at some point along the way - this giving nature of mine as turned into neglecting nature as well.
I'll use socks as an example. If I'm at a store with my spouse and son and mention I need socks, well, my son will need them too. So, you know, I forgo my socks and get the boy socks. Because he really did need them. And he apologizes and says no mom, you get yours when he sees I'm not getting any. But that's OK, because as I said, he needs socks so he gets them...and I don't.
Or I have plans to do something, but someone needs me to do something else so I cancel my plans. Or I shorten them. And you know, I say, Oh that's alright, no problem. And when I think to myself it is a problem, I then feel selfish.
So this weekend, I did for myself. Some might call it selfish, but I still feel good inside. I went to a spa day at Burton's Last Resort - a tavern type establishment right on the lake. And I mean right on. The deck extends a bit over the water so you could hear the waves lapping up underneath you. Well, I had my toes done. I've never had my toes done before. I've never had them polished. So I did. And it was fun. And I was late doing something for someone and I don't think she was too happy when she found out why but you know, I just didn't care because I was doing something that made me feel good. My husband also gave me a bit of a dirty look. Again. Don't care. Doing for me.
Giving to people in and of itself is not a problem; however, it becomes a problem when it is to the degree you are not doing anything for youself. You need to do for yourself. When you are with your friends, with your collegues, with the public in general, you are presenting your whole self, not just that physical shell. When you do things nice for yourself, you are being the best you can be and you in turn give that to the people that surround you. So give them your best.
That's what this column will focus on - what we can lose and what that loss helps us gain!!
What is your "It"? What can you lose to better yourself?

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Fish Gotta Swim Bird Gotta Fly...

Boy has to have a birthday. Sigh. My lovely grandson Jacob, who lives in Brighton, turns a big 5 next thursday. And of course, there will be a party.
This weekend. In Brighton. On Sunday. The day of the 5K. Again, sigh!
This should have been an easy one - miss the 5K. I mean, did I even need to think about it?
But, I did. I was resolute. I was walking - tell him I said hi!
Ah, but the better part of me took over.
We leave at 6 AM Sunday for a funfilled day of cake, bounce houses, sticky hands and huge smiles (void of a tooth here or there, I suppose, because he's at that age).
Did I even need to think about this?
So, Sunday, not walking. But I am keeping my ears open for another 5K - I'm sure there will be one in the future somewhere.
And, I'm still on program - little fat, little simple carbs, lots of veggies, fruit and protein.
You all have a good weekend!
I'm going to!

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Feeling Calm

Strange, isn't it? How one thing, one phrase, one comment can turn you in a new direction. And, how odd the feeling.
As some of you know, I had a gall bladder attack in the not too distant past. At that time, the doctor in ER talked to me about the function of the gall bladder and how high fat and greasy foods can inhibit or interupt that function. Hence, the attack.
I haven't really eaten much with fat or grease in it since. And I haven't missed anything really. I've gotten quite used to my new meal plans and unlike the past gabillion times I've tried to eat healthy, I'm actually enjoying it.
I can't help but wonder why? Doctor's in the past have told me that I need to eat better for my heart, my liver, my life. I don't know why this time was different, and I suppose I shouldn't question, but that is what i do. I question. Everything.
But the bigger thing is this - when he said that, I felt like a weight had been lifted - like my penence, for lack of a better word, was over. Odd, isn't it? I felt like, in that moment, I had finally been released. I still feel that way. To the point where, when I think about it, I get kind of teary.
And I feel great! I'm still losing - another I think, 6, down, since the last time I wrote. I had my massage and scheduled another one. What a great idea and treat that was. I usually don't like people touching my feet but the reflexology was amazing. The rest of the massage therapy was too - but I was concerned about the whole foot issue.
So, down over 20 pounds now (23.2 to be exact), not unhappy, don't feel deprived, in a good place. And it can only get better!!!
This journey I am on, I know will be long, and I'm pretty sure there will be more hills and valleys. But I'm enjoying this oasis I have found.

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Thank you for asking

I am doing well, thank you. I have, to date, lost 17 pounds and gained a bit of self confidence.
I walk a little taller, smile a bit more, have more of a pep to my walk. I am still following the gall stone diet - that's what I call it. Very limited to no fats, greasy foods and or cheese. And, even though it wasn't part of the problem, I eliminated diet cola from my diet as well. I drink ice tea or water.
It's odd, but I feel like I am on the right side of something. You know, like a log roller? I feel I'm actually on the log, not hanging on or falling off.
I am still doing well with the 5K training for May 22 and am on track.
Oh, don't get me wrong, it isn't all perfect. After I walk, my feet hurt till I walk again. Thanks to a great suggestion via email, I will be getting new shoes this week. I wanted to go last weekend but Easter and all that goes with it got in the way.
And, yes, eating out is hard. Went to lunch today and couldn't have my usual sausage omelet, gravy and a side of hash browns. I settled for salad bar and a cup of turkey vegetable soup. Thanks to what I know about salad bars, I successfully avoided fat traps. But that macaroni salad did look good.
You know, lately I've been making outward changes too. I wear jewelry now and sometimes makeup.
I do believe life as I know it is slowly changing and evolving. For the better.
Oh yes, and by the time this is sent out and some of you read it, I will be getting that massage and my hands dipped in parafin.
Treating yourself is nice. Very nice indeed.
Thanks for following - I really don't think I could do it alone!

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Be careful what you wish for?

My mother always told me to be careful what i wish for, it might come true. I'm sure her mother told her and so on.
Ahh. Let me explain. For the last two weeks I have been praying for guidance and help to stick with a healthy eating plan. Holy cow - or should I say Holy prayer answered.
Last Tuesday I took quite ill while at lunch. This painful sickness really took hold of me and continued through Wednesday on and off and Thursday. When the pain proved to be too much to bare, my son and husband encouraged me to go the the ER and get checked. I won't draw out the suspense.
Gall Stones. Yep. If you have never had them - the pain absolutely takes your breath away.
I saw my surgeon yesterday. Depending on the results of a more thorough ultrasound, I may not need surgery.
I have however, eliminated high fat, greasy foods, soda (I thought it may have been kidney stones) and all things unhealthy. Prayer answered. I guess.
You know, I have always been the one who didn't respond so much to a subtle nudge as to a shove from behind. So, I am considering this my shove.
And, I would like to say, yes I am still focusing on May 22, 5K. With the exception of a few days, I have been walking.
Even if you aren't focusing on a 5K, get out and walk (well not so much today, today I am looking at 6" of thick wet snow.) But, get out there when the weather changes - next week I here - and walk. If you can go 5 miles, great, if you can only get around the block or to the end of your driveway, fantastic. Just, well to steal this I guess from a big shoe company who may or may not send me a cease and desist letter ( and how cool would that be?), just do it!
Thanks for the emails. I enjoy reading them and they are packed with great advise!

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Hey Hey Hey it's a 5K!

So. Weight Watchers is bringing a 5K to Alpena. The Walk-It challenge is towards the end of May and I have decided beyond any last bit of sanity that I have left that I am doing it. My head is telling me no. "You're crazy! We'll never be able to do this! Feet will give out - you know how they are!" Too bad, I tell it - I may be crazy, but I'm crazy walking! My body is telling me no. "It's too cold to start!" I tell it we will warm up when we get going. My feet are telling me no. "Look, we hurt after the first 15 minutes!" I tell them I'm sorry to hear that because we are walking 18 minutes tomorrow then I tell them what my brain said about them. I think my feet are with me now. My husband is also a negative Nellie... or is that Nels... "You won't make it with that heal of yours." I will admit I have a heal spur and, well, it hurts. But darn it - I'm doing it. I don't care. I am starting my second week of training tomorrow. I have lowered my carb intake and upped my proteins and fruits and vegetables. Note: I did not eliminate carbs - I lowered them. They make me tired. This is my goal. To get to May 22 and walk a 5K. That's all I'm asking of myself right now. Get to May 22 and walk a 5K. May 22 - 5K. I can't look at the big picture - too overwhelming. I can't say - hey my next Alumni Weekend is in 6 months, I want to be 75 pounds lighter. That's too far away. But, this, this I can focus on. This is an obtainable goal. May 22 - 5K. Two months of work. Two months I can do. However, I think I'm going to need new shoes! Any suggestions on this would be appreciated! weirlosingit@gmail.com

Failure is Not an Option - though my will sometimes says otherwise

I thought about writing a very short piece today - something to the effect of "This is so hard." Sometime between Fat Tuesday and April Fool's day (the irony of that arc doesn't escape me) I started to feel the cold hard face of failure staring at me. And about a week ago I thought 'the heck with it'. I thought my Spring Resolution would help - but I just didn't feel recharged or successful. What's the point of doing this if I can't be happy? Did you hear that sound of breaks squealing? That is what my brain did about a nano-second after I had that thought. Really? I'm going to be happier heavy? Not really, I'm not going to be happier, and while I think, and others trying to be healthier may think, life would be easier if we could eat all we want of whatever we want any time we want, the reality is this - we are all going to pay for it later. I don't want to be one of those people that has to be carried out of the house by a backhoe after they've torn a wall down because I can no longer get through my doors. Because let's face it, if a large person doesn't go down in weight, they usually go up. I mean, if we knew how to 'maintain' our weight, we wouldn't be in this boat, would we? I don't really know what to do to keep me inspired. I've heard you should reward yourself after a small loss. I thought about Pandora - nice bracelets they are but if I bought a new charm after each, I don't know, 10 pounds, well the reality is, that money probably could have gone to new windows or carpeting for the house. I have become more pragmatic I guess. But you know, I don't have to reward myself after each weight loss. But after a good month? Well that deserves something. At the end of this month, for example, if I stick to my guns (and oatmeal) I am treating myself to some massage therapy. I have a friend who owns a local massage center/spa. She hosts an after hours event at the end of each month so I made an appointment. They are going to focus mostly on my hands and forearms which is nice because I keyboard 40+ hours a week so it is less an extravagance than jewelry but it is a bit better than a necessity. And I have to admit, you all, whoever you are that reads this, you are keeping me accountable and I appreciate that - I think, well I hope, some of you are hoping for a positive ending to this journey. I thank you. And if you have any ideas to keep me motivated or ideas for an end of month 'gift' to myself, I'd appreciate the input! weirlosingit@gmail.com

Spring Break – Resolutions Anyone?

You know, I shouldn’t be surprised that Spring Break is looming, that the official first day of spring was just a few days ago, and we are expecting a winter storm. I am looking past that though and looking forward to warmer days.
I love spring. So much so, I think everyone should make their resolutions this time of year, when the birds are chirping and you can see the ground. We could call in Spring Resolutions. To be honest, I think the ones made on the New Year are destined to fail; especially those of the healthy eating and exercising variety. And I never understood the logic of promising to eat well the night before the Bowl Game season starts.
For me, as the days start getting longer and warmer, I prefer crisp foods like vegetables and fruit. I prefer a tossed salad to a burger. I prefer chicken grilled as opposed to KFC’d. I prefer a bowl of cereal or a breakfast bar to eggs, bacon and toast.
Also, to me, nothing is more inviting for walking than the visual of not seeing wall to wall white and having to wear ice cleats. Even going into a gym is more pleasant. It isn’t too cold to get out of the car; you don’t have to drag slop in, sit on potentially cold equipment. Spring is, in my opinion, a win/win situation.
It’s also a time for Spring Cleaning. What better time to work on the whole self. I have been attempting to tackle the house – you know I read somewhere that if you can minimize your clutter, you will be physically and mentally healthier – and I plan on going in earnest coming up. They say to purge your house of things you haven’t used in 6 months to a year and I am going to do just that.
I stand by my thoughts – Spring Resolutions – who’s with me?

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Are You Kidding Me?!

Which is what I said to the scale when it reported a whopping 5 pound weight loss last week. I went up the week before. But I know everyone everyone goes up and down.
And as far as the quest for a size 22? Almost. I can get them up and on. Just not snapped and zipped. Few more weeks!! YAY!!!
Sorry. I usually don't give way to self congratulatory outbursts. And, I have lost before. Many times. But, as a friend of mine noted the other day, this time is different.
"I can hear it in your voice," she said. I knew what she meant. Because in the past, I always said I was dieting, but that was because I felt it was expected of me. It's what fat people do, I thought. We diet. It's our hobby.
But now, I am reading and studying. I have learned that even though I had all the right ideas, I needed to know how to use them. How to apply them to me. I know now that losing weight is more than trading this for that. It's about dealing with what makes you eat. Because hunger does not do this...add this large amount of weight to a body.
Depending on the person, boredom can. Sadness can. Divorce can. Celebration can. Grief can. Anxiety can. A broken heart can. The same things that cause some people to drink can cause in others, the need for food. For comfort.
Hunger, if I eat to un-hungry, does not do this. I think I just made that word up. Unhungry. I have learned you do not eat to full. You stop when hunger is satisfied.
I have to tell you, I couldn't remember what hunger felt like. So, this is what I do. If I think I'm hungry I ask myself what I want. If anything will do, an apple, a salad, soup, then I am probably hungry. If I am want a specific item - pizza for example, and nothing will work but pizza, then I am probably not too hungry. I probably have something else going on. So, I will try to sort through what is going on.
Try. I am not always successful.
I also have added more exercise to the regime. I balance my Wii and walking with weights. I found out I could get a monthly pass at the health club near where I work for 25.00 a month if I go between 5 am and 2 pm. So, lunchtime I am lifting light weights. I am feeling better inside. Though, I still have to remind myself there will be a pound for pound trade and I may gain a pound or so of muscle and not see a noticeable weight loss. At that point I will have to concentrate on the looseness of clothing to guide me.
I am thrilled. I am really thrilled. And dare I say, happy?
YAY ME!

weirlosingit@gmail.com

My Mother the Wii

Finally bought the Wii Fit Plus last weekend.
Got it set up with all my people coordinates - age, weight, height. How exciting!!
After I figured out how to get the thing going, I picked my Mii and put in my weight. And the computer in the game made my Mii bigger. A lesser person may have been upset - I found the humor and the truth in it.
Next, I picked a trainer, an exercise and was ready.
"Please step on the board" What manners I thought, as I stepped on.
"Oooh!" Excuse me? I got back off. And stepped back on.
"Oooh!" You are kidding me, I thought. Because this wasn't "Oooh" as in "Oooh lala!"
This was "Oooh!" as in "Oooh my aching back!" I absolutely couldn't help myself and laughed right out loud. "Ah well," I said to the game, "could have been worse, you could have said "OOMPH!"
I have to be honest, I cannot do a lot of the things yet. I fell twice off the tightrope before I moved to twists. I did fine there, but regular calisthenics are a bit boring, so I tried this bike ride around the island game. You know, that was a hoot! The faster you march in place the faster the bike goes and I had to slow down twice before my Mii simulated a wipe out!
I did try some sort of hit the number with a simulated hip movement to the back, sides and front game where you try to hit the numbers that add to 10. While I did fine side to side I could not hit a thing correctly with my backside. Which both confused and delighted me. Because there is a lot of Mii ... er... me .... back there.
At work Monday I was telling two co-workers about the "Oooh"ing. "When you gain weight it tells you," one of the said. Excuse me? "When you gain weight it says "Oh! You've put on a little weight!" The other one chimed in. "And asks where you are." What? "If you don't get on it for a while, and someone else plays, it will say 'Where is Ann? She hasn't been on in a while.'."
Nice. Nice. And now you know why I chose the title for this blog that I did.

A few people have asked why I don't have an email for comments. In the beginning, I thought it to be a little self serving. Their thought was if someone wanted to ask a question or offer advise, they may not want to do it in the comment section, so as they made their case, I decided I would give an email address at the end of each blog - which is weirlosingit@gmail.com
So, there you go - and I leave you with this - I hope you all are having as much fun exercising as I am! And again, thanks for reading this... it really does inspire me to continue!

Trepidation

I wasn’t going to report a weight loss until 10 pounds were shed. But 9.7 is close enough. Boy was that a hard fought fight. I hope the rest don’t take me this long. I know, I know. You didn’t get fat overnight. I have to be honest, that’s even more halting for me because this has been 50 years in the making. OK, not 50. Just seems like it.
I have gained some along the way, and lost again. This week I am sitting on a small gain. Actually, judging by the way my pants feel, I am more than confident I am sitting on it.
When I look at that 9.7 as an overall loss, I am a bit proud of myself and a little worried too, because, my goodness, the thought of being a healthy weight, though still a ways away, is daunting. You see, not only have I gotten comfortable, I have taken advantage of my girth. This weight of mine has gotten me out of riding roller coasters “Sorry, I don’t think the bar will fit me, you go ahead”, swimming (which I do not know how to do) “Oh, no, no thank you, I don’t look good in a bathing suit”, and I have used it when people don’t like me. “Oh, they don’t like me because of my weight.” Even in college, when I was up and down the scale, I used it as a reason for not having a boyfriend. “Well, I’m not skinny enough.”
And it’s those last two – reasons for not liking me - that frighten me. Because, what, after all is said and done, what if I find out it’s really me someone doesn’t like? What if someone doesn’t like my sense of humor? My laugh? The way I am direct? What if it’s really me? I do not like not being liked. I think most people feel that way.
What if I have a personality change and am no longer funny and witty? What if I drop friends along the way? What if I get new friends and wonder if they would have liked the old me?
It really shouldn’t be hard and sometimes I do put too much thought into things. But I know, from talking to people here and there who also have substantial weight to lose, that I am not the only one that feels the way I do right now.
I am going to be a whole new person. What if I change too much? In the past I have really let that one thing torpedo my diet – but I cannot anymore and I am really having a battle within.
I hope I succeed.

What's Your Pleasure?

My mission?
Write about Guilty Pleasures.
You would think, since I blog about my struggle, and hopefully success, at downsizing my size, I would write a piece on foods. While food does bring me pleasure, and sometimes guilt, it is not my guilty pleasure.
You know that song "Silly Love Songs" by Paul McCartney? I don't like that song.
But I do like silly sappy love songs.
Yes, me, the one who likes the Rolling Stones and Bruce and Santana. Heck I even like a little Guns and Roses and a bit of Eminem!
I love love love silly sappy love songs.
Celine Dion, Air Supply, Whitney Houston, Chicago. Richard Marx. The sappier the better.
I do not like to disclose that info. I like that people don't know I turn up Michael Bolton full blast on my car radio.
Those that know me a little, or don't know me at all, probably are thinking “What's the big deal?” but those who do know me? Do you know what they are thinking? “You have GOT to be kidding me!” because they know what I listen to. They know I like good music.
Sorry fellow love song aficionados. But you need only take Lyric Writing 101, and basically pass with a “C”, to write a good sappy song.
I give you as evidence “Honey” sung by Bobby Goldsboro, written by Bobby Russell. “See the tree, how big it’s grown, but friend it hasn’t been too long, it wasn’t big!” I mean, that line doesn’t even make sense! But, it is a great sappy song. It has all the requirements – sensitive singer, sensitive lyrics, soft musical arrangement, even a tearjerker ending.
Yes, sometimes those silly sappy songs can even bring a tear to my eye.
I can darn near feel the heartbreak, the need, the desire put fourth in three or four verses and a couple choruses.
It does not get any better than that.

Cheating? No not really

Morning Mind Bender on our local radio station: What number in the English language, when spelled out, has all its letters in alphabetical order?
I was the first caller and won! An extra-value meal at McDonald's! Wow, I thought. I can put this in my husband's lunch or give it to my son! How great is that!
Except I did not do either of those things. I, instead, upon picking up the coupon at the local radio station, went right to McDonald's for a #2 - Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal.
I wasn't going to worry about calories or points. I deserve this! I reasoned. My husband didn't call in and win. My son didn't call in and win. I did all the work. Besides, I work hard all week, go home and work. It's all work, work work! I deserve a break - today - just like the old jingle went.
So, as I sat in my cube, enjoying my meal, my supervisor's supervisor came down the hall. "I smell French Fries!" then she looked in my cube and gave me a look "I smell French Fries?" as in, "Coming from your cube?" I tried to reason with her - they were without fat, calories or points because I won them.
Nope, she wasn't buying what I was selling. I heard laughter from other cubes.
So, as it goes, I do not deserve a break because I knew the answer, because I work, or because I make up rules as I go along.
I do deserve to be healthy and pay attention to everything I eat and adjust the rest of the day accordingly - by not starting over.
So, here I sit, full on a 23 points plus meal. I have 12 left for snack and dinner and I can use my weekly points. Five minutes ago it was worth it - now? Not so much.
But it's in the books.
We do need breaks, all of us. But better alternatives are reading, soaking in a hot bath, walking, even emailing friends, these are all positive ways to have a break.
Oh, and that number that caused all this trouble? The one spelled alphabetically correct?
Forty.
Have a good week! And count what really counts!

It's Yet Another New Year!

Feb 3 starts the Chinese New Year – the Year of the Rabbit. I am sure my husband will want to celebrate; probably by going to any one of the three buffets that offer a plethora of Chinese cuisine in our little area. I admit it does not take much to get him to one. Like TG Sheppard and his women, when it comes to buffets, my husband loves ‘em, every one.
We often eat out on Saturdays, mostly at the buffets, and I will tell you, I do not order off the menu. Because, contrary to rules of thumb everywhere, I do actually eat less from a buffet. I take just a piece of each offering – one piece of Lemon Chicken, one mushroom from the beef and mushroom, one (OK, two) broccoli from the Chicken and Chinese Vegetables. I do take the sesame green beans but I bypass rice and lo mien and I do grab an egg roll. I stick pretty much to chicken offerings as well as create my own vegetable palate. With all this, I still have less on my plate than someone who does order off the menu. I try not to go back for seconds. Depends on if I am full or not. We do not eat dinner on these days, but I may have fruit later.
But, you know, it’s OK to once in a while, once in a great while, to have seconds. I am learning I cannot deprive myself but am also learning to eat only when I am hungry. My cousin has H.A.L.T. on her fridge. You have to ask yourself, she says, why are you eating? Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? If you are hungry, eat, but if not, find something else to do.
I am finding this is more than a diet. I am finding it is a new way not only to live, but to think. I have to adhere to most rules but I have to be easy on myself when I don’t or when I can’t. (Because I also like the chicken chunks in the sweet and sour chicken!)
It’s something new every day, and I will pass it all along as I go on this journey.

Catch-22

Catch 22
There is a space on Facebook called “About Me”. Mine says only “22”. That number doesn’t symbolize my favorite age, nor is it the number of a favorite athlete.
Simply, it defines my goal. In Weight Watchers we talked about realistic goals. Saying we want to lose weight is fine, but for some of us, what we want to lose is beyond the scope of anything immediate. Or even short term. And can even be so overwhelming that it’s hard to stay focused on losing weight at all. Our leader suggested goals that were easy to obtain in the short term to help us build to the long term goal.
Some are focusing on the 10% and some on 5%. For me the number on the scale moving ever so slowly down is a painful reminder of how far is yet to come. And frankly, on someone my size, 10% is barely visible to the naked eye. It’s disheartening when you mention you’re on Weight Watchers and you’re asked if you’ve lost anything yet…after losing 32 pounds. Sigh. I haven’t yet, but did last time I went. Then I got frustrated and quit. I am not going to quit again.
The 22, therefore, does not represent the next weight loss goal. What it does represent is the next size down in my transitional wardrobe. I have many pieces of clothing in 22 and I am, alas, a 24. A large 24. That is not to say I am a 26. The 24s fit. Just fit. So, my goal, the 22, is the size I am shooting for. Loose clothing is something real I can feel and is concrete evidence that, while my husband or kids might not notice I am losing weight, I will know I am losing weight.
I am also trying to forgo ‘comfortable clothes’ in public. You who are bonus sized know what I am talking about: The sweatpants, pajama pants, ‘workout’ pants and stretch pants and the coordinating sweatshirts, oversized blouses and the poly-cotton shirts that stretch (whether we want them to or not).
These clothing choices really do nothing except scream that I am uncomfortable in my own skin so I am not dressing me up when I go out. And you know what? Why shouldn’t I look nice? I mean, I try to pull it together when I go to work, but why shouldn’t I slap on make-up, do my hair and just feel good with who I am when I am not at work?
So, that is why I am focusing on size 22. I can get there – it is one size, one goal, one step. Chinese Philosopher Lao Tzu said the journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step. Let the countdown of many one steps begin!
Put on your shoes and one step with me down one size. And let’s keep the comfortable clothes out of the public eye!!

Sisters

Not too long ago there was an email forward about a mother talking to her recently married daughter. The mother looked at her daughter and advised “Don’t forget your sisters.” And she meant all women. When I got that email – I have to tell you, I knew exactly what she meant. You all should meet just a few of my many “sisters.” These are just a few of my many friends who support me, inspire me and touch me.
First, my real sister, Linda. Bound biologically; we are, for the most part, opposites. I’m young – she’s old (she reads this), I’m more interested in sports, she computers; I’m married, she’s divorced. If we had met randomly at work or at school, we would simply have passed one another by, nodded politely and kept going. I am so glad fate and biology brought us together. She keeps me true to myself and she takes care of me. Like only a sister can.
Next, I’d like you to meet Trish. This is my niece, the aforementioned sister’s daughter. She is actually closer in age to me – eight years difference – than my sister – twelve. She was the first baby I had ever been around and she is actually more like me than anyone I know. We devour books, hold English degrees – mine English Communications, hers English Language Arts with a Masters in English Secondary Education, love our family and are firm believers in the importance of an education. I adore this girl; the little girl she was, the woman she is. I am so proud of her.
You would have to meet Sharon – a friend from college. Sounds trite calling her that - a friend – no formality like best friend, good friend. They are all that to me – that is assumed I guess. Sharon and I share a love of music and laughter. She is the one who I can be the most honest with when I am sad or having a rough go of it and I am that for her. But I tell you this – no one can make me laugh like she does and no one laughs harder at my foibles – planned or unplanned. Like our last Alumni Weekend this past fall. I needed a new bra. Apparently everyone in Adrian in my size did too because while I could find sizes smaller and larger, I couldn’t find my size. Except at Dollar General. Suffice to say, do not buy a bra at that store. Every time I stood up to say hi or hug someone, my bra slid up to my neck. And I do not mean in the back. I sat most of the night politely waving to people I hadn’t seen in years. She of course got a good laugh.
Every once in a while you meet someone that is in that category of someone that is more like a biological sister. That would be Margaret. I met her at college too. She was a year ahead of me and had quite a good influence on me. I matured a bit, calmed down, studied. When I talk to her, after long stretches of not talking to her, it’s as if we had just spoken with one another. We have a nice comfortable friendship - like finding your favorite jeans you’d thought long gone in the back of your closet, you put them on and by golly they still fit.
When I moved up here I made a few friends at work but none like my friend Rose. We met while working at Camelot Music. I don’t think she and I knew what to make of each other. Until the day she was describing her bathroom. It was about time for Hallmark to release the Christmas ornaments and she was awaiting the flamingos. Pink of course. She had decorated her bathroom in everglades I guess and wanted about 5 flamingos to hang from every other ring on her shower curtain (it actually looked pretty cool). She looked at three us of standing there telling us and she was downright giddy. Remembering my recent trip to Kmart I looked at her and said “And to think I was excited when I found a toilet brush to match my curtains!” She laughed and a friendship was born. And we have followed that pattern ever since.
Speaking of work friends, I met Ann at Child and Family Services. After grant funding shut down our division, we met weekly at a local coffee shop to talk about writing, different things Alpena could use (a children’s museum), and life in general. She moved forever ago, back to the UP where she and her husband lived once before. I miss her.
Bonnie is my sister in law. My husband’s sister and not someone I was particularly close too till quite recently. We had always gotten along, but we have both been helping my mother in law. My mother in law is not helpless, but like everyone, she needs a little help, and as she gets older, she needs a little more. Bonnie and I are on the same page most times and have an easy friendship. I am, I must say, one of the lucky few who enjoy all my in-laws.
I have more sisters in life and I could fill a book with them and what they have done for me. It’s important, having other women in your life. They show us things within ourselves we sometimes don’t know we have in us – how to love, how to laugh, how to cry and how to grieve. We need them – they need us. It’s how we get by.
If you don’t have at least one sister, find one. You won’t be sorry.
That email I mentioned before ended with the following and it is too good not to pass along:

Time passes. Life happens.
Distance separates. Children grow up.
Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break. Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in- law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Have a good week – and call someone you haven’t heard from in a while – sometimes it really is like that pair of jeans!