Even though I am losing (albeit slowly) weight I am still having a devil of a time being comfortable in my own skin.
I hate the way I look when I see my reflection in a mirror and I envy women who seem to be good with their size.
And I wonder, how do I get there from here?
How do I look like I have confidence when I have oh so little?
How do I look like I'm beautiful when I think that I'm not?
How do I look like my size doesn't bother me when it truly does?
And I'm sure if you ask a large beautiful woman why her weight doesn't bother her, she would probably reply with a question and say "Who says it doesn't?" But again, how do I get there from here?
I cannot blame my husband, I guess, for no longer seeing me as an attractive partner, someone he would like to take out and show off. I guess I can't blame any husband, or wife, who apparently didn't know for better or worse included weight gain. And you know, I just tiptoed around that word - the "O" word... obese. Hate it. I don't see myself or anyone my size as obese.
I have been struggling with the packaging for a lifetime but recently it seems to be the albatross around my neck.
Oh, I have learned a lot about myself along the way. And I've corrected a few things - and continue to learn and grow daily. Though I still have a hard time putting Ann first.
But my new quest is getting there - feeling good about the whole me - from here.
I don't think it's about chosing to wear make up or jewelry or buying nicer clothes. I know it has to come from within.
But I wonder: How much excavation of stuff I don't want to have to deal with do I have to go through to finally find that part of me that is ok with me?
A little bit of a downer blog today, but this is where I'm at. I don't know - maybe it's a good thing.
Anyone have any answers?
weirlosingit@gmail.com
No answers for those questions. I do know it took me a long time to see beyond my weight. I do know that I still hide in clothes that are too big. (See the pic of Mom and me for example...that t-shirt is two sizes too big and the pants are one size too big.) I do know that my confidence is growing (again, I actually stood for pictures with Mom...) as my weight is shrinking. I still see myself as perfectly round, unless I catch a glimpse of myself in way I had not noticed. I will notice my ankles look smaller (I didn't lose 130+ lbs in only my ankles....lol), for example. Or my fingers (which I didn't notice until my wedding band went flying while doing laundry) are slimmer.... Strange thing losing weight is....
ReplyDeleteI also know that as my weight shrinks, I am battling other obstacles...most of which I don't know how to discuss...lol. I know my house is being cleaned up and cleaned out as my energy levels increase, but there are days I still feel overwhelmed with the enormity of the task.
No answers....more questions....
I love you, Anne. I am proud of you! It takes a lot of courage to face the demons weight hides behind.... :)