Fear and Loathing

Even though I am losing (albeit slowly) weight I am still having a devil of a time being comfortable in my own skin.
I hate the way I look when I see my reflection in a mirror and I envy women who seem to be good with their size.
And I wonder, how do I get there from here?
How do I look like I have confidence when I have oh so little?
How do I look like I'm beautiful when I think that I'm not?
How do I look like my size doesn't bother me when it truly does?
And I'm sure if you ask a large beautiful woman why her weight doesn't bother her, she would probably reply with a question and say "Who says it doesn't?" But again, how do I get there from here?
I cannot blame my husband, I guess, for no longer seeing me as an attractive partner, someone he would like to take out and show off. I guess I can't blame any husband, or wife, who apparently didn't know for better or worse included weight gain. And you know, I just tiptoed around that word - the "O" word... obese. Hate it. I don't see myself or anyone my size as obese.
I have been struggling with the packaging for a lifetime but recently it seems to be the albatross around my neck.
Oh, I have learned a lot about myself along the way. And I've corrected a few things - and continue to learn and grow daily. Though I still have a hard time putting Ann first.
But my new quest is getting there - feeling good about the whole me - from here.
I don't think it's about chosing to wear make up or jewelry or buying nicer clothes. I know it has to come from within.
But I wonder: How much excavation of stuff I don't want to have to deal with do I have to go through to finally find that part of me that is ok with me?
A little bit of a downer blog today, but this is where I'm at. I don't know - maybe it's a good thing.
Anyone have any answers?

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Saying goodbye to Sarah

Sarah came into our lives a little unexpectedly. We were looking for a puppy for our son, who was about 7 at the time, and decided our big yellow lab needed a little black lab for balance.
We were not going to get a dog at the first place we stopped, which was an interesting little house with Rottweilers outside, and inside - the Labs – puppies, mom and dad – in this tiny living room with a tiny makeshift kennel in the corner.
Sara was the runt, getting stepped on, getting pushed out of the way from the milk. My husband looked up at me as if to say ‘We aren’t getting one of these’.
I believe it was my son who picked her up and tried to rescue her from the onslaught of paws. She licked his face. Something she would continue to do for the next 10 years.
I don’t recall seeing an obit for a dog. It’s a shame, really. There are obits for friends and relatives we don’t love near as much who don’t love us half as much as our dogs.
Oh we will miss her.
My son will miss her physical signs of love: those constant, daily morning kisses, her tail wag when she would see him – and let me tell you she was not a gentle tail wagger – she has been known to clear an end table in one sweep. He will miss the space she took up on his bed, in the middle and all over.
My husband will miss her visual signs of love: her pretty girl dance wherein she pranced on her paws in dog ballet for treaties and boney-bones of the Milk bone® variety. He will miss her running to greet him after work and I’m sure as he has slowed over the years in moving from seat to ground, so had she in moving from front door to truck. And of course he will miss the almost nightly rides they took looking for deer and signs of other wildlife while running the back roads. He will do it alone now, and sadder I’m sure. He will return from vacation soon and when he readies for work that first morning, he will miss her prance in front of him squeaky stuffed toy in her mouth ‘squeak squeak squeak’ while he tied his boots.
And I will miss the little things of her - Sarah was not the smartest lab in the world. But she was a charmer. She had a bad habit of eating the bread or getting into the garbage when we left her alone during the day. We learned quickly to close up the trash bags and move the bread far away. If we forgot, we were greeted by a dog whose head was about as low as it would go but who’s tailed wagged like a flag in a windstorm. In other words, she was saying “You aren’t going to be too happy to see me, but I’m really happy to see you!” So, I will miss those mischievous signs of love – and of course the way she came bounding (she wasn’t light on her feet either) into the kitchen at just about 5 because she knew it was dinner time.
We had salad with steak last night. I dropped a piece of cucumber on the floor while tossing. It was there a long 10 seconds before I realized no one was going to tiptoe out and nibble it up.
Ten years is a long time to have a dog – and we have been so fortunate.
While we saved Sarah in the beginning, it was Sarah that saved us in the end. It was certainly she that saved us. Who else but a family dog can truly make you feel so loved on days when you don’t so much?
I will stand in disagreement with any pastor, priest, rabbi or father who would like to tell me dogs have no soul and therefore don’t go to heaven. They are wrong. To them I say, dogs like Sarah are the ones who listened when Jesus said Love One Another. Because, really, who does love us unconditionally here on earth but our dogs? Who else can leave a large hole in your heart when they are gone?
No soul? You could not look into Sarah’s eyes and see no soul. She was full of love. Full of compassion. Full of caring. She was our Sarah Berra. We are going to miss her.

Weir Losing It: The Ties that Bind

My 17 year old son had a big first last night.
He got his first tattoo. This came as no surprise to us, as he had our permission - something, thankfully for a lot of parents, that is required by the state for minors.
He started planning when he was 2 and drew all over himself. He graduated to gum machine tats and then the spray on kind that the nail place at our local mall creates. When he was 15 we told him when he was 16, the legal age at which a minor can get one even with parental consent, he could get one for his birthday.
He is just 4 months shy of 18 and he finally decided. And, if I can figure out how to download it, you'll see a tattoo he created of an anchor with a ribbon through it with the dates of his grandfather's life. He loved his grandfather and was devestated when he died. Since he was 12, he's planned for this tattoo - he just wasn't quite sure if what type of anchor he wanted. Till, one day, last summer, he drew it out himself.
I'm going to take heat from assorted in-laws and out-laws and friends. I may even be asked what type of mother allows this.
Well, I'll tell you - my son, this son, has always marched to the beat of a different drummer. This is a choice made, not off the cuff, but was years in coming.
He asked me prior, what do you think grandpa would say if I got this tattoo (with the anchor). To be honest, I think he would be grateful that his grandson, this grandson, who marches to the beat of a different drummer, thought to honor him in such a permanent public way.
I get kind of weepy, you know, thinking... 4 months ... an adult. But, I think he'll be fine.

Weir Losing It: Holding On

Let me explain.
I am letting go of things that I have worn like a second skin sometimes more often than not. And I've let these things, depending on how the day went, eat at me.
Sometimes it's OK to go back and wonder "What if?" I'm not talking about those place.
I'm talking about the places that weren't so good that some hold on to and refuse to let go.
Sometimes we don't realize we are hanging on to anything till we have a bad day, or something reminds us, and we start to feel a bit unnerved.
Sometimes we refuse to let go because it gives us a reason: reason to eat, reason to drink, reason to drug, reason to do whatever it is we do that we think medicates us. What we think makes us feel better.
So - I refuse to hold on anymore to school mates that made me feel bad about myself. Yea, it wasn't nice. Yea, it could have been handled differently, but yea, we were kids. And I highly doubt that any of them would be the same to me today. Good-bye, so long, see ya.
Also going going gone are regrets over jobs left and jobs not gotten. Because, I have a great job now with a great company. I don't need to look back on those times with anything other than that they were learning experiences.
And you know there are things we hold onto that are concrete that can put us in a tailspin. I thought of that yesterday when I threw out a few older Christmas decorations that were my mom's. I hesitated for half a minute before I pitched them. She doesn't need them (she's deceased), I don't want them as they are cracked or chipped or with pieces missing. And she doesn't exist in it. They are now in the dumpster.
And, unfortunately, I think there will be a person or two I stand back from. You know kind, whether friend or family, they only show up when they want something but don't really give much in return with the exception of a quick thanks and an even quicker goodbye.
I don't have time for that, for those, for them. And neither do you.
Start letting go ... even if it's something as simple as tossing an old Christmas decoration.
I know change cannot be done in a week, a month, even a year sometimes. But change is coming. It's coming.

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Defining It: Inhibitions

When I was younger, and cast my eye on some gold ring, I would start that desire with "When I lose weight."
When I lose weight I'm going to write that book.
When I lose weight I'm going to go to my class reunion.
When I lose weight - all my troubles will be solved, all my dreams will come true, all my hopes will be fulfilled.
When I lose weight. All I've really done is given myself an excuse not to write, travel, solve my own troubles, make my dreams come true and fulfil my dreams.
What exactly am I afraid of? What exactly am I avoiding overeating is a better alternative?
Succeeding. I am afraid to succeed because the opposite of success if failure and I would rather not try at all than fail at something.
This weight loss thing is really hard mentally and I'm serious here. Losing and retooling has been difficult in the sense that I'm having to learn to change and expand my comfort levels.
And I think I've said it before, it's harder losing what I have to lose than it is 5 or ten pounds. The mental toll can be a bit overwhelming. And yes, it would be easy to pull my proverbial covers over my head and just stay where I'm at.
But where is the growth? Where is the satisfaction?
I've only been able to budge 26 pounds off me, but actually have been consistently losing for about 8 or 9 weeks. And with each pound gone, it seems I gain something inside.
I know it sounds insane, but lately I'm more likely than not to stand up for myself, to complete promises made to myself and others, to attempt something I might not have done 26 pounds ago.
I seem to be losing, along with the weight, a certain amount of inhibitions that are allowing me to live differently.
One thing I've always feared about losing weight is that who I am would be redefined and my personality would change.
But you know something? Change really is a good thing!
I encourage you all to step out of your comfort zone in one area and try something new that you have wanted to do, but for one reason or another haven't.
It's different. It's a little exciting even.
I had a baseball player friend in college, who isn't with us anymore, and I was interviewing him for a playoff game. He gave me probably the best comment on his feelings, and it's what I am feeling now, and hopefully what you will feel.
"It's scary...but I like it."

weirlosingit@gmail.com

Gotta go around it!

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." Henry Ford

I wish I could take credit for digging this quote up but I can't. I have a friend who posts inspirational quotes on his facebook page. He got me with this one.

How often has someone not achieved their goal because he or she saw the obstacles?

I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I can be rolling along quite well, thank you, on this overall improvement quest when I will see a stumbling block - could be small like going to a buffet for dinner or large like knowing the enormity of the task that lies ahead - and it suddenly is my undoing.

I know I am not alone.

It's hard to commit to change, to cast off what we've allowed ourselves to become comfortable with - whether it be food or drink or self pity. We really want to change, to be a better person, but we see that roadblock and it delays and even sometimes ends what we really want to do.

We have to learn to be comfortable not in who we are, but in what we can become. We have to learn to leapfrog or go around those obstacles to obtain what we want.

Everyone faces obstacles - real or not - we face them. What we need to do is face them down.

What Am I Really Losing?

In other words, what does the "It" in "Weir Losing It" define for me?
At first I thought it was just weight - you know, "Weir Losing Weight" or "Weir Losing Fat" - however you wish to interpret it - but a few weeks back, I thought "If Dr. Hall read that (Dr. Hall being on of the professors at the college I attended) she would ask what 'it' is."
I guess, for me, that one little two letter word is more than dropping pounds. There is a whole lot going on when someone is losing a substantial amount of weight.
For example, I am starting to lose that part of me that puts everyone first to the neglect of self. That is significant. I do for people. I love to do for people. But at some point along the way - this giving nature of mine as turned into neglecting nature as well.
I'll use socks as an example. If I'm at a store with my spouse and son and mention I need socks, well, my son will need them too. So, you know, I forgo my socks and get the boy socks. Because he really did need them. And he apologizes and says no mom, you get yours when he sees I'm not getting any. But that's OK, because as I said, he needs socks so he gets them...and I don't.
Or I have plans to do something, but someone needs me to do something else so I cancel my plans. Or I shorten them. And you know, I say, Oh that's alright, no problem. And when I think to myself it is a problem, I then feel selfish.
So this weekend, I did for myself. Some might call it selfish, but I still feel good inside. I went to a spa day at Burton's Last Resort - a tavern type establishment right on the lake. And I mean right on. The deck extends a bit over the water so you could hear the waves lapping up underneath you. Well, I had my toes done. I've never had my toes done before. I've never had them polished. So I did. And it was fun. And I was late doing something for someone and I don't think she was too happy when she found out why but you know, I just didn't care because I was doing something that made me feel good. My husband also gave me a bit of a dirty look. Again. Don't care. Doing for me.
Giving to people in and of itself is not a problem; however, it becomes a problem when it is to the degree you are not doing anything for youself. You need to do for yourself. When you are with your friends, with your collegues, with the public in general, you are presenting your whole self, not just that physical shell. When you do things nice for yourself, you are being the best you can be and you in turn give that to the people that surround you. So give them your best.
That's what this column will focus on - what we can lose and what that loss helps us gain!!
What is your "It"? What can you lose to better yourself?

weirlosingit@gmail.com