Failure is Not an Option - though my will sometimes says otherwise

I thought about writing a very short piece today - something to the effect of "This is so hard." Sometime between Fat Tuesday and April Fool's day (the irony of that arc doesn't escape me) I started to feel the cold hard face of failure staring at me. And about a week ago I thought 'the heck with it'. I thought my Spring Resolution would help - but I just didn't feel recharged or successful. What's the point of doing this if I can't be happy? Did you hear that sound of breaks squealing? That is what my brain did about a nano-second after I had that thought. Really? I'm going to be happier heavy? Not really, I'm not going to be happier, and while I think, and others trying to be healthier may think, life would be easier if we could eat all we want of whatever we want any time we want, the reality is this - we are all going to pay for it later. I don't want to be one of those people that has to be carried out of the house by a backhoe after they've torn a wall down because I can no longer get through my doors. Because let's face it, if a large person doesn't go down in weight, they usually go up. I mean, if we knew how to 'maintain' our weight, we wouldn't be in this boat, would we? I don't really know what to do to keep me inspired. I've heard you should reward yourself after a small loss. I thought about Pandora - nice bracelets they are but if I bought a new charm after each, I don't know, 10 pounds, well the reality is, that money probably could have gone to new windows or carpeting for the house. I have become more pragmatic I guess. But you know, I don't have to reward myself after each weight loss. But after a good month? Well that deserves something. At the end of this month, for example, if I stick to my guns (and oatmeal) I am treating myself to some massage therapy. I have a friend who owns a local massage center/spa. She hosts an after hours event at the end of each month so I made an appointment. They are going to focus mostly on my hands and forearms which is nice because I keyboard 40+ hours a week so it is less an extravagance than jewelry but it is a bit better than a necessity. And I have to admit, you all, whoever you are that reads this, you are keeping me accountable and I appreciate that - I think, well I hope, some of you are hoping for a positive ending to this journey. I thank you. And if you have any ideas to keep me motivated or ideas for an end of month 'gift' to myself, I'd appreciate the input! weirlosingit@gmail.com