Trepidation

I wasn’t going to report a weight loss until 10 pounds were shed. But 9.7 is close enough. Boy was that a hard fought fight. I hope the rest don’t take me this long. I know, I know. You didn’t get fat overnight. I have to be honest, that’s even more halting for me because this has been 50 years in the making. OK, not 50. Just seems like it.
I have gained some along the way, and lost again. This week I am sitting on a small gain. Actually, judging by the way my pants feel, I am more than confident I am sitting on it.
When I look at that 9.7 as an overall loss, I am a bit proud of myself and a little worried too, because, my goodness, the thought of being a healthy weight, though still a ways away, is daunting. You see, not only have I gotten comfortable, I have taken advantage of my girth. This weight of mine has gotten me out of riding roller coasters “Sorry, I don’t think the bar will fit me, you go ahead”, swimming (which I do not know how to do) “Oh, no, no thank you, I don’t look good in a bathing suit”, and I have used it when people don’t like me. “Oh, they don’t like me because of my weight.” Even in college, when I was up and down the scale, I used it as a reason for not having a boyfriend. “Well, I’m not skinny enough.”
And it’s those last two – reasons for not liking me - that frighten me. Because, what, after all is said and done, what if I find out it’s really me someone doesn’t like? What if someone doesn’t like my sense of humor? My laugh? The way I am direct? What if it’s really me? I do not like not being liked. I think most people feel that way.
What if I have a personality change and am no longer funny and witty? What if I drop friends along the way? What if I get new friends and wonder if they would have liked the old me?
It really shouldn’t be hard and sometimes I do put too much thought into things. But I know, from talking to people here and there who also have substantial weight to lose, that I am not the only one that feels the way I do right now.
I am going to be a whole new person. What if I change too much? In the past I have really let that one thing torpedo my diet – but I cannot anymore and I am really having a battle within.
I hope I succeed.